I'm Not that Great.

At expressing emotions or feelings.  Just not really my thing.  I try to trick myself sometimes into believing that I am 'articulate' and 'deep,' but the truth of the matter is that I am not.  My brain is just not good into kicking into that gear and unfortunately that turns off the people I am around.  I do not think the people around me always understand the struggle that ensues in my brain when I am asked to open up.  Society has been structured in a way that sometimes it's not 'ok' for the guy to share.  I don't necessarily think this is where my hesitation lies.

Avoiding the conversation does two things for me.  Allows me to stray away from vulnerability and it does not force me to truly think critically about the matter at hand.  I have been able to suppress certain feelings, situations, and past events by avoiding the issue at hand.  For whatever reason, not everyone understands that struggle...partially because I am not that great at communicating this.  So this is going to be my one go at it...my one opportunity to fly somethings out there...it will probably be up for a day, maybe two...heck it might only stay up for an hour.  But you are going to be introduced to things that have not been spoken aloud (for the most part) and I don't want any feedback (from the 4 followers), no comments, nothing.  I have enjoyed blogging...actually starting to get the hang of it.  However, I have only taken it seriously for a few months (by seriously I mean I actually post things) and I think it is going to come to an abrupt end.  I am not really a superstitious person but ever since I started really looking at this blog, things around me have become more difficult.  Sometimes I use this as an outlet to vent...but vent passive aggressively, instead of actually having conversations.  I try to be clever and throw subliminal messages out there so maybe someone will understand what I'm trying to say but then when they confront me on it I can vehemently deny it.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I have realized I like blogging because I enjoy putting music on it...well there's about 75 other opportunities where I can create playlists...I'm going to look into those for the time being.

Anyways, here goes...I was a pretty fortunate kid growing up, privileged if you will. I had many opportunities that were not always given to everybody.  I'm not saying that I did not work hard for these opportunities, because I did...but I'm sure there were some people out there that did not have these chances that I did.  I had a loving family, great friends, and was blessed with solid influences around me. I went through life achieving most of my goals...especially when I went to college.  I started focusing on my academics...any position I applied for I got, any award that was out there I received, everything I wanted I was getting!  I was living the dream my first few years...the golden boy of Emmanuel College.  I absolutely worked hard for these things but I was also very fortunate.  Pretty much everything went swimmingly for 6 or 7 straight years of my life without many road blocks and then my senior year was about to begin.  Without going into great detail (anyone seeing me avoid something there?) I hit a wall.  Frustration was coursing through my veins, I became a jaded, bitter student who forgot what he loved.  I lost my swagger, it was gone.  My confidence was still there...but it was creeping to a form of arrogance that I had not seen or experienced.   I was a senior in college with so many decisions and opportunities in front of me and was spiraling out of control.  There are not too many people who noticed what was going on...my closest friends were good at ignoring the fact and felt it wasn't necessary to bring it up.  I was confronted a couple of times by a mentor but really that was not going to stop this train wreck.  One 'skill' I obtained through this experience was wearing a mask.  I could put on a show, that's for damn sure.  Faking emotions was almost second nature for me...I was running Student Government meetings, meeting with the President to discuss the new Vice President of Academic Affairs, assisting the Student Activities Office with the hiring of Orientation Leaders, Co-Captaining the Baseball Team (Club), and much more without blinking an eye.

OK, you have now seen a quick glimpse of the beginning of that mess...fast forward to May 2007...about to graduate and within an hour receive notice that I have been wait-listed at Boston College and did not get the 'shoe-in' job I was practically promised at the Prudential Center.  So, this model student, who had everything now had ZERO plans for the following year.  Luckily, I had just signed a lease on an apartment (dripping with sarcasm) in Brookline.  That train-wreck was rapidly gaining speed and stuff was about to get ugly.  By the grace of God I found myself packing up and moving down to Tampa. I was entering the Higher Education Graduate program at the University of South Florida.  I was pretty much getting a free Master's and living in Tampa.  Not a bad gig.  Unfortunately, that beautiful mask that was carefully constructed continued to be applied during my two years down there.  I made some great friendships while I was down there but I don't think any of them really got to know me...maybe 1 or 2, but that's it.  The walls inside were growing higher and higher and it just became easier to allow people to scratch the surface.  I had gotten so good at this, that I think they thought they were learning so much about me when really they were just seeing the tip of the iceberg.  And for the record, just in case anyone I knew back then is reading this and is fuming...I did not really know I was doing this, my subconscious was hard at work.  I was able to focus on certain things...almost obsessively, like the gym, reading, or poker.  I would allow that to take over my brain...sounds like an addiction, in order to avoid understand what I was truly feeling.

I managed to do this for my 2 years down there and continue it into my first professional experience at Dean College. I found moments where I would snap out of it, have some sort of an epiphany, but then slip right back into the emotional coma that I was living.  I knew soon after starting there that this place could only be a quick pit stop in my career.  For many reasons...but the main being I needed to get back to who I was.  The opportunity at Emmanuel presented itself.  A chance to go back to what I knew, get into the city, and work for people I respected.  After accepting the position, I immediately went into panic mode.  These people KNEW me.  They knew the Mike Zakarian of old!  They have expectations!  The last 3 years, there were no expectation of me.  There were expectations of the position and what I needed to do but not of Mike Zakarian the person.  I started to panic a bit.  I was terrified as to what August was going to bring.

I finally moved into my new apartment, it had a sense of home that I had not felt in the last few years.  I was anxious about this opportunity but knew it was necessary.  I started on August 1st.  Within two weeks, just about everything that could go wrong went wrong.  On August 16th I blogged about an event at a bar.  A leadership student of mine passed away in a freak accident right before he was about to start his freshmen year of college.  Traumatic experiences were surrounding me.  I don't think I will truly ever understand what happened that night at Lansdowne Pub but I know that these events numbed me up.  I stopped thinking about anything but work.  I poured myself into this position and as the semester went on, I started to feel it again.  I still managed to avoid thinking about those awful events and really didn't get into what happened over the laset 3 years, but I started to get that swagger back.  My smile actually felt genuine.  A confidence was creeping back into me that was familiar, like an old friend.  I could see it in my interactions with students and with staff members.  I felt like I had a purpose again.

With this understanding and feeling comes a whole new process that needs to occur.  Now, I need to delve into why I went into that funk for the 3 years, what I avoided, and what I actually feel.  I have been able to successfully numb everything up for so long and now I'm trying to thaw out and see what's actually going on.  I know that this is a bunch of ramble mess but I hope it provides some context to those who find it frustrating being around me, being friends with me, heck who just know me.  I can't share because I haven't even shared it with myself yet! How can you help me, if I can't help me yet?

I ask you all to think about that question.  We all have our issues...and though I just poured out some right there, those aren't nearly as bad as the issues I know you are all dealing with.  If anything, reading this might be annoying to you...like 'is this guy really complaining right now?'  But think about why you act and react to certain situations, certain conversations, with the company you are with.  I am beginning to understand the strain I sometime put on others because they share so much and I bottle stuff up.  It's nothing personal, it's just something I need to work through.  Think about the strain you might put on others with your issues...find a way to still be able to communicate without adding that burden.  There has to be a happy medium between not sharing at all and for lack of a better term dumping it all over the place.

I have been blessed with wonderful relationships with so many great people and I am thankful for them all.  You all have helped me become a stronger person and forced me to think critically and evaluate where I am at.  I have enjoyed this blog, it's been fun.  I'm sure at some point or another I will try something out again.  But I think this is a good way to sign off.  You actually have seen into my brain...not many have had that opportunity lately, not even me.  Only stress over what you can control, there is a master plan out there...if it's happening, there's a reason for it.